So, for how many times I missed this opportunity to write upon tumblr?
All right, there’s no one paying attention, I guess. They read, and forget it. Simple. So, today, tonight, whatever time condition is, I am in a mood to share my pain. Yes, it’s pain, but chill yaar, because it won’t make you shed a tear after read this. Well, there are nothing in my writings, except those crazy dream that I want about.
Where to begin?
I guess, if I post about Filmfare, it will be too late here, and if I post about MeaKer, no, someone will scold me. I accepted the challenge, but for saying truth, I passed the challenge. ~dance~
What to say yaar? I have nothing to share except thoughts and feelings. Now I will post about him, again and again. And yes, there was a change in story, a big one. So, put your headset, and turn the music on, anything, suggest: Tum Hi Ho for starter.
If one decide to move on, in this particular case (one sided love) is a good thing right? A right decision to begin with, brand new day will come ahead, and sure, another glimpse of happiness would come to you, me, whoever s/he is. And if you have a bit interesting in zodiac, you will know precisely that Scorpio (including me) can’t move on. They are fucking royal. à And for that, I ensure you guys, as long as you’re not lying, and you’re not stupid, I will enjoy to be friended with you. What should I say in this text? Did I miss him? A lot, even yesterday, I felt I saw him, but no, Impossible right? He’s out there somewhere, and I am dying to tell him that I miss him so much.
When I started to ask, “Am I right to fall into someone that already owned by another woman?” almost everyone will say, “It’s wrong.” And for such cases, I do hate 3rd party, and for that, precisely Dec, 26th 2013, I hate myself for being a mistress. I am not trying to say what I did is right, but trying to impose me, try to be me, at least once. Try to understand my position precisely. What could I do except trying to get out of this situation, and for that, I have to fight to my ‘other’ self. I have to convince myself to not feeling that warm, that hope, and dream. If you are asking about a person who doesn’t have a goal in her/his life, it will be me. Because I aim nothing. I just enjoying my life, I don’t know how pathetic it could be, but as long as I am happy, I don’t care about others’. A clear statement to begin with.
I never care to somebody like I used to do to him. Even for the one that I liked for 6 years, I just could admiring him from the distance, and still don’t have a thing to be talk to, pathetic. And for I am fell for him, is not by a chance. It’s about my faith to God. And I believe with it. Why I did believe in such thing? Because we don’t know, and I don’t know (to emphasize) why we could go this far, why it seems that I know him for years, I just don’t know. Also, being with him make me closer to God, better. And for that, I have nothing to explain. Because I do have a belief in, a good husband will lead you to God. I got this idea while watching Bollywood movies, but the idea was right. A good husband will lead you, for sure.
And come to the debatable topic. Is that really important to have someone that will guide you to God? My response will be yes. For how many times that you deny it? You need a guidance, not just for guide you in life, but also in your severance (err, what is this?) okay, you got my point right? That’s the most important one.
That’s why I can’t give up for this feeling, and I keep it for a long time, even I don’t seems care to him, but I do, I really do. I do want to see his wellness, his good-deeds, and all. I just want him to be okay (that is the one that I always bring in my prayer) because I need him to be happy, I need him to be good. Someday, I got the news. Final broke up, after he convinced himself to run a single relationship. And that is really a good thing to start with. I am no vain with it, either he’s with her or any girls, it is fine, it is pure his decision to be alone in final year. And I do hope he will get someone that really love him and care about his wellness.
Anyhow. Surprise? He is the one that I thought can’t spent a day without woman (in touch, communication include) could take that action. A big twist action. And a big question came to my mind after that event. Why he broke up (again) and now official (I saw her bio, and legit)? I mean after he tried to put me in his horrible love line. He did something nice, and I pretend that I am the one that he would marry with. But because of pressure that I see (implicitly) I buried that hope, and I just want to be alone. Means that no one that I would marry to, and no one that I will love to.
Risky idea, right? But I just think about it, and it seems wrong, but than to change my self to be the one that I don’t comfortable to, and pretend to like something that I don’t, I prefer to live my life alone. Who needs boy anyway? Who needs man? Beside you want yourself get fucked away. Yes, you need man by that. That idea also supported by a thought that remind me of being a girl. I almost forget how to be a girl. And by that, came the idea ‘why not’ to be a gentle lady? Do all the things by myself, and keep calm, keep dancing all night long.
And before wrote this, I watch Filmfare 2014, and Salman did a performance there. Salman, knew for ‘no string attached’ kind a phrase that explain him, and he doing good. But yes, I still love Shahrukh than him. Even Shahrukh told the fans to not be harsh to him, because all the things (ups and downs) that Salman faced more than Shahrukh… and for that, I give my respect to Bhaijaan.
And at the end, the reason is clear. I don’t as long as he is not my groom. Being his bride is a beautiful dream that I ever dreamt. And listen his voice everyday will be my prize all the way. Because there’s nothing I can do without him. I just live my life recklessly, and enjoy my nights alone, and will always be like that.
Note for him. If you read this, do not laugh. Because I am dying here, and I can’t tell you that I miss you. I just can’t. If I were your ‘ex’ probably I could tell you that I miss you so much. But I am nothing to you. And by this writings, I say to you that I miss you, I miss our September, until 20. And the December of course. It will be nice if we can do that every single night before go to sleep.
Sign out, from your heart, and your life. Sincerely~