Somehow I remember a post from LinkedIn, which is about constructing your CV. That particular poster was saying, make your CV interesting, like a novel. Put a good title and cover (as if). That’s why I make the title A Regretful Book. Why regretful? Because my life is full of regrets and the one who read my CV will regret instantly. This melodramatic version of me is living roughly in recent days. I also asked a friend of mine, is it normal for me to have suicidal thought or not.
Chapter 1: Regretful Gender
Being a woman is nice, in some thoughts, are flawless. Because woman is full of magic, you give her kind of ingredients, you’ll get an edible food for that. You give her a block of house, she’ll turn it into home. She’ll eventually bear your kids. How nice is it?
So there is me. Known as woman, but have no eggs at all. No, I don’t have penis, but that’s it. What a realization in my teenage. When most of my friends were hanging out, enjoying their life, I was in a line for Gynaecologist. I was treated like a pregnant woman with all USG and stuff. What a nice view.
Gynaecologists were confuse as well. There was one saying that I might have gene disorder. Need to check my DNA, it might contains more Y than X. Maybe it is 5/4X and 3/4Y, or in the middle, 6/4X and 2/4Y.
Still, I look at the bright side. I don’t have to feel the pain of menstrual thing and I can do Shalat like for everyday and have nothing to worry in Ramadhan, because I’ll get full package.
Chapter 2: Regretful Path
I am an idiot. I created my own Path. Because I thought I am a soul, a free soul and I can create my life. But hey, look at now, I am in a mess with all regretful decision I ever took. When you don’t love to code but you force yourself to align with the coders and programmers out there, there is only one sentence. “You’re a joke!”
I was stunned when I am informed like this, “When I look at your CV, you’re very good at Information and Technology. Can I trust you on our website later on?” Oh well, I deliberately left my own website to work with you, to gain something with you, but I just realized that there is no room for exploring my self. Because I am good at it, I must do it.
Wah boss. Wah. (Just imagine like Bollywood scenes)
I can make my self feel good about it. At least I still engage with the technology while my friends are no longer befriend with it. But they are gaining something, they make a living. Still, I am better, make a living and learn something and enrich my self.
Chapter 3: Un-regretful Friendship?
This chapter is quite questionable. I can’t say it clearly, but I do have good friends out there. Who will support me no matter what, but there’s a time when I feel lonely–which I am.
Chapter 4: Regretful Feeling
I can talk a lot in this chapter. Let me recall one by one. First, my last boyfriend but unfortunately my first crush in childhood.
I do regret about this. I gave all, and he was nice, but he wasn’t in my plate since the beginning. Imagine you’re in a Japanese restaurant but you were ordering Indonesian food–which is not there. Sorry not sorry, but I am happy to left him, but I am feel empty because there’s no helper, or driver, or my escape while in town.
For Minion. No, I never had a feeling, I just playing dumb. Peace maybe upon him.
For Signor. Well, you are happily married right now. I was impressed with your knowledge and I was (not so) secret admirer of you. Well, not signor, but Mr. Moron.
For UV. I was dumb and still dumb anyway. Never had the relationship tho. But its like all org knew about it, some of them were supportive.
I do regret for leaving/ignoring Faizan. I am busy with my work–and life–he was supposed to be part of my life, but I demand more sleep than talking. It is still hurt by the way. For being left.
Another my regretful feeling is toward Voldie. To sum he’s unique, you can mix Faizan with Mr. Moron. But he has such temper, I can’t cope with that. Looking at the differences, I think I am not in his league.
Lastly, my regretful decision about feeling is to MeaKer. I heard his 2nd kid is born recently. He’s happily married and force me, in a way to marry. Well, can I whisper to him, “I want you to marry me.”? Ah nope. For the sake of Merlin’s, I shall be no exists in his radar. It was good tho, to have him helped me back in the days. I think my heart is locked and there’s no more space. I’m not sure either, but I am sure that till now, I still kinda have feeling for him.
I wish someday I’ll write and produce a book titled as Regretful Book. Like The Book of Forbidden Feelings by Lala Bohang. But I might be not produce it at all, because I am afraid people will go grouchy and grumpy about the contents. I don’t know when it will be the end, but I am confident to say that it will end soon. In a good way or bad way.